


when it was over

by khurst



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: ASMR, Chakotay has magic fingers, Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, Episode: s03e01 Basics Part 2, Episode: s04e08 Year of Hell, F/M, Voy225, Voy301, Voy408, any excuse to get them hot and heavy, it was darker in my mind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2018-11-19 19:16:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khurst/pseuds/khurst
Summary: Chakotay knows ways to make tightly-strung starship captains relax...even in circumstances when they are not captains or have no starship.This is a little series that lets Chakotay put his ASMR skills (among others) to good use. It starts with Resolutions and will span over a couple of episodes that have our favourite redhead very stressed.





	1. there is a hope that whispers a vow

**Author's Note:**

> I owe all my gratitude to Helen8462, who has repeatedly turned my globbering collections of words into something readable - although she's probably going to say it wasn't bad before - it was, it definitely was! She has worked wonders on this again!
> 
> Also, a huge thank you to crimsonsupernova who keeps being abused as initial readers and has helped me improve this story prior to it ever seeing they eyes of another human being! She repeatedly endures my horrible grammar and typos.
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> **  
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> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> 

“Kathryn.” Chakotay had been watching her for the last twenty minutes. She kept rubbing her neck and her brow was furrowed in concentration. Her soft sighs every now and then told him that she was getting frustrated with her work. Yet she refused to stop.

“Kathryn,” he said again when she didn’t react. He laid a hand on the terminal she was using and turned it away from her. “You have to stop.”

“Chakotay…” she started, but he didn’t let her finish.

“Kathryn, your neck is giving you hell and I’m willing to bet you have an enormous headache.” Now that he said it she noticed the pounding in her head and grimaced when the pain finally registered with her. “I’m not asking you to stop for good, only for tonight.”

“I can’t.” She shook her head in defiance, “I won’t be able to relax enough to fall asleep anyway.” She raised her eyebrow in challenge, but he wasn’t going to back down.

Chakotay didn’t say anything but stood up and went into their bathroom. Kathryn thought for a moment he had given up and would leave her alone, when he returned with her hairbrush. When he stood behind her and his hands went to her hair, she turned her head and look at him questioningly.

“Trust me,” he leaned down and whispered into her ear, “and relax.”

She could feel his smile against her earlobe and couldn’t stop the shiver that went down her spine at his closeness. She was about to remind him of the conversation they had last night, when he leaned back a little and removed the clasp from her hair, letting it flow unhindered down her back.

She trusted him. He had, after all, agreed to her terms. His Angry Warrior speech had been nice and romantic and, of course, she understood what he had tried to convey but that didn’t mean she would fall into his arms and declare her undying love to him right on the spot. No, she wasn’t ready for that. And she had told him as much.

She had asked him not to voice the thoughts he desperately wanted to say, arguing that she might not repeat them back and that it would only hurt him. She had told him, without saying as much, that she would be ready some day, to reciprocate, and he had agreed to wait.

“Chakotay, I’m not ignoring this,” she had sighed and gestured between them, “but we both know we can’t do this on Voyager.”

He had been about to interrupt, she knew, arguing that they weren’t on Voyager anymore, so she had held up a hand to stop him. “I know, I know, but I can’t give up just yet, and if I give in and we do this, there’s no turning back. I’m not ready, Chakotay.  Can you understand that?”

And he did understand. Without saying it, she had told him that she loved him and wanted him. But she was right, they both knew it wouldn’t work aboard ship, within the constraints of their command structure and the pressure they were under. And he understood her desire to hold off on him until she was ready to let go of Voyager. Giving in to him meant giving up hope to leave this planet. He could understand that. And he could wait. For her, he would wait forever.

So he had nodded and let her go _._

Returning from her thoughts she leaned back in her chair when he started to run the brush over her scalp and through her long tresses. He was right, this was relaxing. Kathryn couldn’t make out all the words he kept whispering in his deep timber voice, and she knew some of them were in his native tongue. Having foregone the comm badges when they were together, the words weren’t translated for her, so she just let them wash over her and closed her eyes.

The sound of his voice, feeling of his fingers in her hair and the gentle motion of the brush made her whole scalp tingle and she felt like she was floating. The sensation was slowly moving down her spine and she shivered when she felt the telltale sensation start deep in her belly. She started to straighten her back and was about to ask Chakotay to stop, when he sat down on his knees and leaned close to her ear again.

Chakotay had felt her stiffen. He had known that his method might cause this to happen. While it was a surefire way to get someone to relax, it also had the nice side effect of sexual arousal. While that had not been his intention tonight, he was aware that she wouldn’t be able to relax if he didn’t do something about it.

“Trust me,” he whispered into her ear again, “I’ll help you relax, Kathryn. If anything makes you uncomfortable let me know and I’ll stop right away. I don’t expect anything from you, okay? Just let it happen and enjoy.”

There were questions, but Kathryn felt unable to answer them, not knowing what he was about to do. And she had a feeling that he didn’t exactly expect her to answer anyway. She willed herself to relax and felt him lean his head against her back, all the while whispering gentle, soothing words. She heard him lay the brush down and felt his warm breath through her robe and slowly she started to relax further, until she felt his hand on her thigh and clamped her legs together harshly, her hands gripping the edge of the table. Chakotay’s hand on her thigh stilled and for a moment the only thing she felt was his warm hand resting on her thigh and his warm breath against her back.

“Do you want me to stop?” It took her a few seconds to register his words and then a few more for her to react to them.

She shook her head, not trusting her voice to work, but Chakotay kept still and gave her time to adjust. When she relaxed slightly, she heard him speak again.

“Are you sure?”

She knew he was waiting for clear approval from her, so she pulled herself together enough to rasp out a throaty, “yes,” and willed herself to relax into him as he continued his delicate touch and quiet mumblings.

She could make out some of the words as his fingers drew circles on her thigh. _Trust me. Relax. Go with it._ In between native words she couldn’t understand, he kept throwing in the phrases that kept her rooted to her chair. And when his fingers reached the junction of her legs and touched her heated center through the material of her pajamas, she felt her head fall forward on its own volition and a soft moan escape her throat.

The situation seemed surreal. She gripped the edge of the table harder, one of his hands lay on her belly, the warmth seeping through the material of her robe and pajama top, while the other worked wonderful magic deliciously lower. Kathryn wanted to protest and tell him to stop, but the sensations he was evoking with his hands and his hot breathy murmurs against her shoulder blade left her unable to move. She was heavily aware of her own increased breathing and the quiet gasps and when she clamped her mouth shut she found she couldn’t get enough air through her nose and breathed even louder. She scooted forward in her chair, giving him better access, and when she felt his lips curl and his hand reach her at a more satisfying angle, her own hips tried to rock against him but she was held in place by his other hand.

She knew she could stop him at any moment, but she still felt at his mercy. When she sensed the wave start in her belly and move downward, her left hand kept to the table tightly and her other hand moved down to clamp over his and hold him still. She gasped as her orgasm tore through her and her inner walls clamped down on emptiness, leaving her desperate for deeper contact with him.

Chakotay felt the ripple in her stomach muscles and knew he had her. He stopped whispering and held her as her body jerked violently against his hand and she gripped his hand between her thighs with her own. He continued holding her until her tremors stopped and her breathing calmed. Only then did he press a kiss to her shoulder blade, gently caressed her upper arm and stood up. Without waiting for her to say anything, he turned for his private area and left her to collect herself.

Kathryn sat dumbfounded. She felt more relaxed than she had in the last few months, maybe even years. Chakotay had done an incredibly selfless thing and then just turned around and left her. He hadn’t said anything or done anything that would have embarrassed her. She realized that he had done exactly what he had said he would do. Help her relax.

She stood on shaky legs and, keeping her eyes on his private area for a few moments, she finally retreated to her own bed to settle down, her eyes closing as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Chakotay listened intently as she moved around their living area and was satisfied when she didn’t linger too long, but went to her own bed and the whole cabin quickly fell silent. He smiled and gave a silent prayer that she had let him do this for her. He only hoped regret wouldn’t follow the next morning.

* * *

 

It was late evening two days later when Chakotay tried to put an end to her squirming.

They had eaten their breakfast in silence, with Kathryn refusing to meet his eyes. Chakotay was well aware that she was embarrassed and that it would take time to come to terms with what she had let him do. He had wanted to give her space but her refusal to talk and meet his eyes was bordering on ridiculous. They still had to spend the rest of their lives together here. He needed to make sure she they were comfortable around each other.

“Let it go, Kathryn,” he said gently, when she stiffened once more when he walked behind her.

She looked up at him, surprised to hear him speak. The last two days had been passed in almost complete silence. She knew it was her own fault, but she had been struggling and didn’t know what to say and how to approach the subject.

She wanted to thank him and felt the need to give something back. But she couldn’t. And he had been clear that he didn’t expect anything in return.

It was a barrier she couldn’t cross. Kathryn knew that once she stepped over the line of giving back what he had given her, there was no stopping her from going even further. And that was something she couldn’t do. When they got back to Voyager – _if they got back,_ she chided herself – they could easily slip back into their command structure. They had an intimate moment, but they had had those before. She had not done anything inappropriate, he had not seen anything inappropriate and when it came down to it, she could easily pretend it had never happened.

_Only she couldn’t._

She saw that she was making things harder for him and felt even worse. This was not what she had in mind when she wanted to reciprocate. She would have to make an conscious effort to let this go and get on with their life. She looked at him a moment longer and then nodded.

* * *

 

During the two weeks that followed they found an easy rhythm. She would work on trying to repair the insect traps or build new ones and tend to their garden and he would be out during the day to get wood for their boat and to stock up for winter. But Chakotay noticed that Kathryn was getting more and more restless. She was obviously struggling with something she wasn’t prepared to share yet and the tension in her was almost back to where it was two weeks prior when he had had enough and offered his ‘services’. He could hear her turning in bed, unable to fall asleep and sometimes she would walk out in the middle of the night to gaze at the stars.

One night he had followed her outside when she hadn’t come back inside after more than twenty minutes. He found she had wandered down to the river and from a distance observed her waltzing along the water’s edge, hands on her hips, head bowed down. From time to time she would pick up a stone and throw it into the water. At some point she must have had enough because she lay down with her hands behind her head and stared into the night sky. Satisfied that she was alright, Chakotay had left her to her own thoughts.

They had endured another storm since then and while he was busy planning the addition to their cabin, she was tending to their tomato plants. Chakotay looked over to her a couple of times when he heard her curse and groan and saw her pulling out weeds with much more force than necessary. He wondered what had her so riled up and set his tools aside to walk over to her. He kneeled down close to where she laid in the grass.

“Kathryn?”

“What?” Came the sharp reply.

“Kathryn,” he said again, softer this time, his mouth even closer to her ear.

She stopped what she was doing and stilled her hands.

“What’s bothering you?” He tried again when she didn’t say anything and kept her head down.

“Nothing.”

“Want to try that again?” He chuckled, poking her side gently. “What’s got you so worked up, huh?”

“Nothing,” she insisted, refusing to look at him.

“Kathryn, you’re all tense and riled up. You need to relax.” He tried to touch her shoulder but she shrugged it off.

“I know,” she said in a harsher tone than she had intended, but he was rubbing her the wrong way and she was getting irritated.

“Oh,” understanding dawned on him, “Is that was this is about?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Her hands had started picking at the dirt again, so Chakotay laid down on his side next to her, close enough to have his mouth reach her ear, but not quite so close that they were actually touching. He lifted one hand to tuck a few stray hairs behind her ear, lingered a bit, then let his fingers run through her tresses. He grinned when he felt her shiver.

“Let me tell you then.” He leaned into her so that his lips were almost touching her earlobe and his breath was fanning the fine hairs on her neck. “You’re exhausted and tense and can’t sleep and you need to relax, but you can’t ask me. Am I close?”

While he spoke, Chakotay continued running his fingers through her hair, and the feeling of his breath on her skin combined with the low vibrations of his murmured words made her scalp tingle all over again. She knew what he was doing and she knew where it would lead if she let him continue, but she didn’t really want him to stop either.

“I can’t,” she whispered without conviction.

“Why not?”

“I can’t…” she struggled for the words, “I can’t give anything back…not yet.”

“I didn’t ask for anything,” he whispered. Her words were saying one thing, but the fact that she had not turned away when his hand had traveled from her scalp all the way down to her thigh where it drew lazy circles told him another story.

“It’s selfish.” Her legs were opening almost imperceptibly and against her own volition when his hand slowly crept higher and under the hem of her dress. The words sounded hollow to her own ears, but she needed to say them.

“So, be selfish.”

She invited him to stargaze with her that night and while they were looking into the night sky in silence he felt her slide her hand into his and interlace their fingers.

And when she quietly pointed upwards and began making up names for the foreign constellations in the sky over what was now their home, he couldn’t help but smile and think that he would wait forever if he had to.

If anyone was worth the wait, he knew it was Kathryn Janeway.


	2. there is a promise to wait while we’re working it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during Basics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Helen this chapter is not entirely horrible. In fact, I owe her an apology and all of you. I've had this chapter back from her for weeks now. Or has it been months already?
> 
> As it is, I felt the need to get it out there, so I did my best in my current state of mind until I finally gave up. So anything that seems off or horrible was probably criticized by Helen, but I failed to improve it...so there. _*throws hands in air in frustration*_

“Kathryn?”

Chakotay had seen her leave the warmth of the campfire and allowed her a few minutes of alone time before he followed her. He had noticed Tuvok’s gaze roam over the group until it settled on Chakotay with a raised eyebrow. The Chief of Security had obviously noticed that Kathryn was missing and Chakotay had decided to follow her before Tuvok could set out with the same intent. He rounded another shoulder of rocks and found her sitting on the ground with her back against a large stone, legs stretched out in front, her eyes glued to the night sky. She didn’t turn to him, but acknowledged his presence by tapping the ground next to her in invitation.

He lowered himself down close enough to have their shoulders touch and she didn’t hesitate to grasp his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers in an intimate and achingly familiar gesture. That move alone from her spoke volumes. He looked at their joined hands for a few seconds before following her gaze to the stars.

“Are you looking for _Voyager_ ?” She smiled and he squeezed her hand. She didn’t actually need to answer. She had never stopped looking for _Voyager._ Even on New Earth, when they had known the ship was headed away from them, he had often found her searching the night sky.

She was tense and shivering slightly and he wanted to suggest they get back to the rest of the crew by the warm fire. She had, after all, allowed them to butcher her beautiful hair, she might as well get something out of it. But Chakotay knew that she wasn’t just out here to stargaze. She was scared, and stressed, and everything about the way she carried herself told him that her fear threatened to mute out hope. He had seen this before, her inner struggle, the way she tormented herself over a situation beyond her control. But then, their ship had come back for them. He knew this time would be no different.

“Paris will get her back to us.” He saw a tear escape and roll down her pale cheek. The way she bit her lower lip told him that there was something she wanted to say. He waited her out without pressure.

Feeling the weight of his hand grounding hers and the familiar shape of his fingers between hers, she felt exactly the kind of calm and peace wash over that she had come out here to find. She should have known that she would find it with him, in him. She searched for a way to explain herself. Although he would never pressure her, he deserved an explanation. Anything to calm the doubts and worries he surely must have had since they had come back to the ship.

“Chakotay… I…” she broke off and sighed, lowering her eyes to their joined hands. “I know I haven’t been forthcoming since our return. I never meant to hurt you.” She looked at Chakotay’s face and at his encouraging nod continued, “I didn’t know how to be this close and not want to be closer. But we were back on _Voyager_ … and…”

Chakotay watched her struggle for the right words and then give up with an exasperated sigh. He watched the play of emotions across her face, the tightening of her jaw, as she looked back down to the ground.

“Do you still trust me?” Her head shot up.

“Of course I do. I trust you with my life.” She fixed him with a confused look, searching his features as to what he meant, when it suddenly dawned on her and she slightly shook her head. “But that’s not what you’re asking, is it?”

“No, it isn’t.” He waited for her move, her decision, not wanting to put any pressure on her.

“Chakotay.” The slight catch in her voice didn’t go unnoticed.

“Kathryn,” he answered simply, squeezing her hand.

She swallowed heavy and looked around them before she closed her eyes, wet her lips and quietly said, “Would you?”

He smiled at her and when she didn’t dare look at him, he simply stood up and without letting go of her hand, he pulled her with him around another boulder. When he felt he had found the right place, he gently pushed her back against the large rocks out of sight for anyone approaching them. She looked back at him and gave him the hint of a smile before he crouched in on her, pressing his large body against hers, skilfully trapping her between him and the stone.

Chakotay let go of her hand and moved to caress the back of her neck, his fingers curling up into her hair as he pulled her close . Kathryn pressed her face into the material of his uniform and inhaled his scent, letting it wash over her as his other hand started to gently run through her hair. She closed her eyes as he started whispering words in his native language against her hair and his fingers kept running through her tresses. She felt the familiar tingle start on her scalp and slowly wander down her spine. Trying to suppress a shiver she furrowed her brow as the tingling sensation crept even lower.

Chakotay felt some of the tension leave her body with his words and his ministrations, but way her hands gripped the material of his uniform at his waist spoke volumes of the grip she still had on her own control.

But he was patient. It wouldn’t do to rush her and instead have her strung even tighter than before. Knowing that pressed together like this, she could feel every tremor in his own body, he willed himself to relax, his heartbeat to slow down and his breathing to even out.

Chakotay let his free hand gently and slowly caress down Kathryn’s arm until he reached hers. He grasped it and brought it up between their bodies to rest against his chest. It didn’t take long for her to move her other hand up his side to rest flat against him as well where his heart lay underneath. She couldn’t help the movement of her thumb as it started moving back and forth and she thought she felt his heart speed up a little so she stopped the movement.

Pressed against him so closely, Kathryn let the warmth of his body, the sound of his heartbeat and his familiar smell wash over her and lull her into an intimate cocoon of comfort, shifting only to accommodate his questing hand.

Chakotay smiled against her hair and gently moved his hand to her lower belly, surprised when it too merely a moment for her to grant him access. He tried to stop the shaking of his hand and the trembling of his breathing as he gently cupped her mound and started to stimulate her center with slow but precise movements of his fingers and the heel of his hand.

The friction against her center was delicious but it wasn’t enough. It was driving her crazy enough to make her hips rotate against his hand, but not enough to get her even close to the edge. She moved her hands from his chest down to the clasp of her pants, causing Chakotay to stop his movements and his quiet words against her hair. He removed his hand from between her thighs, obviously thinking she wanted to stop him. So she quickly opened her pants, grabbed his hand and lay it against her belly, just over the opening of her slacks.

Sliding his hand inside Chakotay felt her warmth through her panties and had to close his eyes against the overwhelming urge to get even closer. There were barriers, though, ones that they couldn’t cross yet and he had vowed to respect them. The thin cotton was enough to let him feel exactly what he was doing to her and for the moment it was enough.

The moment his fingers touched her center, with only the thin material of her panties between them, a moan erupted from Kathryn’s throat and she threw her head back, mouth slightly open. One of her hands clutched his arm, and the other had a death grip on his uniform.

Chakotay’s gaze was riveted to her. For the first time he was granted the full view of her face in the throws of passion. He watched the dampness gather on her upper lip and felt the puffs of air against his face as she gasped and exhaled in great heaves. The image of her flushed cheeks and scrunched eyebrows burnt itself into his mind and he was just starting to wish he could watch her like this forever as she tore her eyes open at the sound of her own whimpers.

Suddenly aware of the sounds she was making, Kathryn bit her lower lip. The last thing she needed was to catch the attention of anyone in the vicinity, least of all a certain Vulcan with apt hearing. Unable to look away she held Chakotay’s gaze for a few second, brows scrunching together as the pleasure shot through her and she saw her own emotions mirrored in his eyes.

She felt the heat emanating from his body so close to hers, felt their mingling breaths between their faces, merely inches apart, saw his open mouth and the arousal in his features and became aware of the intimacy of the moment. Exactly the kind of intimacy she had wanted to avoid. As much as she wanted to keep looking at him, she forced her gaze away from his face and her head to move, laying her forehead back against his chest.

When Kathryn broke their connection, Chakotay forced his traitorous body to calm down and remember what he had wanted to do in the first place. This was for her, not for him. So he moved his free hand back to her neck, his fingers straying into her hair and massaging her scalp, while his mouth whispered sweet nothings into her ear, his breath hot against her skin, his lips brushing against her ear as he spoke.

Kathryn closed her eyes and let all of him wash over her. She let the heat from his body penetrate her, the soothing warmth of his voice drown out her own thoughts, his fingers against her scalp eased the tension there, and his lips against her ear directed her mind towards the tingle that seemed to started in the roots of her hair. That tingle  moved down her scalp and the back of her neck, urged on by his gentle fingers, through her spine and her belly into the cradle of her hips where his other hand created a coiling warmth, a pressure that threatened to burst from inside her.

She opened her mouth wide against the black material of his uniform clad chest, not caring about the damp spot she was leaving there. She clamped her eyes shut against nothing and everything as the pressure became overwhelming and the knot in her belly attempted to burst. And then her thigh jerked up against his hip and her pelvis rocked against him as she lost control, her fingers turning white from grasping him so hard.

Chakotay slowed the movement of his hand, bringing her down slowly, then rested his hand against her quivering center. He didn’t move and waited for her to come back to herself. After a few minutes she lowered her leg back to the ground without moving away from his, but she let go of his arm, letting him remove his hand from between her thighs, causing quiet aftershocks as he brushed against her in the process.

Chakotay held her securely against himself as she struggled to calm her breathing. That’s when he heard and felt a low rumbling from her stomach. Her body shook with a barely suppressed chuckle and when he loosened his hold on her, she looked up at him with laughter in her eyes. She looked more relaxed at least, her hair in slight disarray and the flush of arousal slowly fading from her face. Her cheeks and nose still had a pinkish hue, making the rest of her face appear even paler than usual, but to him, she seemed radiant and beautiful. He fought down the urge to press a kiss to her lips and instead spoke.

“We should go back and eat. I hear Neelix is serving this new protein snack.” She rewarded him, with a grimace and a light slap on the shoulder, but nodded as she turned back towards the camp.

He watched from behind as she walked, closing the clasp of her pants and adjusting her clothing on their way back. Just before they stepped through the stone arch, her hands brushed over her hair and she gave him a questioning look. He nodded with a smile. She looked as collected as anyone would expect in their circumstances and no one would be able to guess what they had been up to.

Kathryn walked over to Tuvok to get an update as Chakotay got their food and some water from Neelix. With their provisions in hand, he watched them for a few moments before finding a spot where they could sit down and eat close enough to one of the fires to let them get some warmth. It didn’t take long before her eyes swept the area in search of him. She slowly walked over to him, pausing here and there to make sure everyone had something to eat and giving a word of comfort. He smiled knowingly when she finally sat down next to him and he handed her the makeshift plate. The slight scrunching of her nose was barely visible but didn’t go unnoticed by Chakotay.

“Eat up,” he chuckled and slightly pushed his shoulder against hers. “It was your idea after all.”

When Kathryn lowered her eyes she realized with surprise that most of the things on the small leaf that served her as a plate didn’t look too abhorrent. And while there wasn’t much food, she found that the few roots and berries were actually enjoyable. Too soon, her plate was empty and she kept pushing the last berry around in her mouth to savour the taste for a while longer.

Chakotay slowly picked his own food, knowingly starting with the least enticing looking things while watching Kathryn eat. Like him she had started with the things she knew were nourishing but didn’t look particularly tasty, but it quickly became obvious to him just how hungry she had to be. He wondered if she even had eaten breakfast before all hell had broken loose, but, knowing Kathryn, decided she probably had not. Now that he thought about it, with everything that had been going on he hadn’t even seen her with her usual cup of coffee.

He let his eyes roam over her - her hair was in disarray, the one shorter lock barely visible and only if one knew it was there, there were dark circles under her eyes and her lids were slightly droopy, a testament to how exhausted she must be, and yet there was a spark of determination in them that let him know she wouldn’t sleep, let alone rest. He saw her put the last berry into her mouth and then push it around with her tongue for a few seconds. It was lucky that he was paying such close attention as it let him pick up the tiny detail of the sudden tension in her whole body as her eyes roamed over her crew. He immediately realized that she was about to get up again, but before she had a chance to, her stomach suddenly rumbled loud enough for her to gasp in surprise and put her hand on it as if to suppress the sound.

Chakotay had to chuckle at her widened eyes. He put a hand on her arm to keep her from getting up and gently pushed his “plate” into her hand. Without hesitation, Kathryn immediately tried to give it back to him, the refusal already on her lips when her eyes meet his. There was no way she could just ignore the gentle concern and she had to acknowledge that she was an open book to him. Of course he would know that she had been just as negligent with her breakfast this morning as she usually was.

It had not been that long ago that he had made her a promise.

Not that long ago that she had given quiet consent to his promise.

And it was definitely too soon to just ignore, too fresh and raw to just be pushed aside, and Kathryn felt the tears rising traitorously. But she swallowed them down and nodded almost imperceptibly. Just enough for him to acknowledge that it wasn’t him she was fighting against, but the excruciating pain of being stranded on a planet that had no rivers, no tender plants growing, no bathtubs and no Dave.

“Kathryn,” he urged, his voice low enough so it wouldn’t be overheard by anyone else. His eyes implored her to give in and humour him just this once.  The gentle pressure of his hand on hers keeping her from pushing the offering away, barely noticeable but consistently there, made her relent and give him a smile and a nod. Kathryn felt the tears gather in her eyes at his gentle insistence to see to her own well-being for once, so she swallowed the lump in her throat and lowered her head. She felt Chakotay’s hand give her wrist a small squeeze before he let go and stood up to leave.

Her eyes followed him as he made his rounds and she felt her heart swell and her admiration for this gentle man grow as she watched the tiny interactions, the care he gave all of their crew equally, the way he made sure to give everyone he passed a reassuring touch. He lingered long enough with each crewmember to make sure they were okay for the moment and that they didn’t need anything he could take care of. It was exactly what she would do; had done earlier in fact.

She rarely took the time to really watch him interact with the crew, but now that she did, she felt a lump forming in her throat. The sudden recognition that maybe she was not that alone with her burden and that maybe they could carry it together for a while made her throat constrict with a surge of emotion. Suddenly the food tasted even more insipid than before but she forced herself to swallow it anyway. With her rebellious throat fighting against her, it took her a while to finish her food and by the time she did, Chakotay was back at her side.

His eyes wandered to her makeshift plate and his approving wink elicited a small smile that conveyed much more than just her thanks. She wasn’t quite sure he understood, but his eyes lingered on her as if trying to decipher her so she held his gaze until he looked down, a small smile playing around his lips his hand coming up to tug his ear.

The small gesture made her heart swell and warm as her hand wandered to that one strand of hair that was much shorter than the rest. Kathryn’s thoughts wandered as she gazed into the flames and to her surprise she found that a lot of the desperation and tension she had felt earlier had left her and were replaced with a sense of direction and more than just a glimmer of hope.

Her heart skipped a beat when she looked back up and caught Chakotay staring at her fingers curling the single strand of hair around and around and for a split second she felt the urge to drop her hand and avert her gaze. She was glad that she didn’t though, when the halted movement of her hand caused Chakotay to look at her face. A deep blush settled over his features and it was him who averted his eyes.

He looked around and upon finding that many of the crew had settled for the night, suggested that they do likewise before their watch would begin.

“You’re right,” she agreed without any argument and was amused when his eyes widened slightly in surprise as she actually lay on her back and settled her arms behind her head.

He caught himself quickly and slid down and onto his side, facing away from her, using his bent arm as a cushion. For long minutes Kathryn looked up into the night sky and at the stars that weren’t theirs, listened to the calming rhythm of his breathing.

She had just closed her eyes when he heard his voice, barely audible, just enough to carry to her ear and no one else’s.

“Goodnight, Kathryn.” A smile played around her lips as she slowly drifted off into sleep.


	3. the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the Year of Hell and we all know that hope is not what dies last in this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many, many thanks to Helen for beta reading this although it was a big, sloppy mess.  
> It took me months to finally get through her corrections and advice (shame, shame, shame), and I have to admit I didn't heed her advice all the time.

The doors to Kathryn’s quarters opened with a slight delay and only partly - testament to just one more of the many glitches and malfunctions in the computer systems - revealing Kathryn’s dimly lit quarters to Chakotay. The low light flickered, making it hard for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. He was sure that B’Elanna was already diagnosing the issue, didn’t doubt that she would have the main systems up and running smoothly in no time. He didn’t want to worry about the repairs right now when things had finally quieted down for a while.

His eyes roamed the room, searching for Kathryn, sure she would be here when she was neither on the bridge or the ready room nor - to his relief - in sickbay. It was the sound of a piece of bulkhead being shoved to the side that finally let him find her.

With careful steps he walked further into the room, shoving a few pieces of debris and furniture to the side. Kathryn cast him a glance but didn’t stop her rummaging. By the time Chakotay reached her, it was obvious that she was searching for something specific amidst the wreckage.

After a few more moments she straightened her back, threw her hands in the air and puffed out a frustrated, “I give up!”

“What are you looking for?” Chakotay sympathised, his quarters looking just as ruined.

“It’s not important.” She gestured for him to drop it, although it must have been important given that she forgot their dinner date.

One hand on her hip, eyes still leisurely going over the mess that was her quarters, she ran the other hand through her hair and huffed in a half laugh. Despite the shortness, her fingers got stuck in her messy, tangled hair, causing her to wince slightly.

Chakotay’s eyes fell onto the hairbrush that was neatly put aside on her dresser, one of the few pieces of furniture that were still in intact.

“Are you looking for this?” he asked, holding it up to her with a grin.

“You’re my saviour,” she grinned back, then shrugged. “Although I don‘t know what good it‘ll do without soap and water anyway.“

Kathryn stepped towards Chakotay holding her hand out for the brush. She frowned when instead he turned away from her, grabbing one of the overturned chairs and setting it back upright gestured for her to sit down.

“Let me.”

Realizing he wouldn’t give in, Kathryn decided to humour him. Now that she thought about it, she was exhausted.  Her arms ached from moving pieces of her ship and crawling through Jeffries tubes all day. She could do with some pampering, and letting Chakotay brush her hair seemed innocent enough.

She took her seat, folding her hands in her lap, and at the first touch of his fingers against her scalp she felt her eyes close on their own volition. Forcing them back open she locked her gaze on the dimly lit wall across from her and allowed herself to relax slightly when she felt his fingers run along her head, removing the worst tangles before he used her hairbrush.

When she felt the bristles against her scalp a shiver ran down her spine and made her shudder slightly. Her eyelids grew heavier and heavier and she finally gave up and let them close.

He took great care to let the bristles of the brush touch her scalp and her upper neck with every stroke, massaging the skin as well as taking care of the knots. Carefully he took single strands at first, making sure he didn’t pull her hair, separating the knots before moving on to the next in order to avoid any pain or twinge. It seemed to take forever and the sound of his breathing as he moved from side to side and the gentle touch of his fingers against her hair were hypnotic and lulled her into a state of trance, a feeling of warmth and an answering tingle from her chest spreading outward in pulses through every fiber of her being.

Her eyes stung at the tenderness and she couldn’t help the tears escaping even through her closed eyelids. But she didn’t move to brush them away. There was no sense in pretending here, no reason to be something that she was not. He was safe. And she had always known that she could trust him, with herself more than anything.

With a sudden clarity, she knew she was going to die. She knew she wouldn’t make it out of Krenim space alive. She had felt it for weeks but refused to acknowledge it. But being here with him now, detached from the ship around here, the thought formed in her mind so distinct and unambiguous. She couldn’t ignore it any longer.

So, she relaxed into his touch, let him do with her as he pleased. With another brush, his fingers moved over the sensitive skin of her neck and her upper back and she was helpless against the familiar shiver that ran down her spine.

When Chakotay was sure that all the knots and tangles, and grime and dust were gone from her hair and all the tension from her body, he put the brush aside and let his hand gently rest on her shoulder, letting her decide when to break the moment.

Instead of turning though, she quietly laid her hand over his, leaned her head slightly to the side and didn’t move. Chakotay grasped her hand in his and walked around her, kneeling at her feet to watch her face. Her eyes were closed, the thin lines around her mouth relaxed and if he didn’t know better he could have assumed she was asleep. He gently cradled her cheek in his palm and instinctively she sought the warmth of his skin and nestled her face into his hand. Chakotay saw the barely visible lines across her cheeks and realized she must have been crying quietly.

“Kathryn,” he breathed, his voice breaking with her, the pain of seeing her like this almost unbearable.

She opened her eyes to look at him and he was amazed when he found them clear and with an expression of determination instead of desperation. She lifted her own free hand and laid it against his cheek, the expression on her face full of tenderness and something Chakotay couldn’t quite read. Without breaking eye contact she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.

He was already in her mind, on her mind, most of the time, what did it matter now if she finally let go of the restrictions she set to let him in fully?

His name was stitched on her heart with needle and thread, his love had patched together all the wounds and gaps that this quadrant had dealt her, and in quiet moments, when she watched his brow furrow in concentration or his fingers dance across the console between their seats, or when he tugged his ear in that way she could predict he would, the numb ache grew to a stinging pain of her heart trying to rip open the wound that was his name.

He was holding her together at the seams, but she was tired and his quiet reverence was pulling at her stitches.

Chakotay's lips were warm and supple under hers, exactly as she thought they would be. When the tip of her tongue trailed his lower lip, it only took him a fraction of a second to move beyond his shock and react. He opened his mouth to grant her access while moving closer to her, pressing her upper body against his.

“Kathryn,” he breathed against her lips as they separated for much-needed oxygen. “Are you okay?”

“No,” she answered with an infinitesimal shake of her head but didn’t let him go. She couldn’t lie to him, not now. Not when she knew they wouldn’t make it home. Not when they couldn’t hold out for a future that would never come. But she didn’t want him to leave either.

It was enough for him, though. She was honest. She wasn’t delusional. And most of all, she wasn’t pretending. She was here, with him, in the now. And it was enough. He quietly repeated the same words he had been telling her in their quiet and private moments over and over, whispered them against her skin and her hair, breathed them into her as if he wanted them to become part of her. And pressing his mouth back to hers, he let his lips and his tongue express what he couldn’t sufficiently say with words.

Some of the words he whispered in his native language she had started to recognize. She had been wanting to look up what they mean, but she was scared to find out that they were anything but meaningless, incoherent mutterings. Scared of finding out what deep down she already knew.

She pulled his undershirt from his slacks, the amount of naked skin barely sufficient for her questing hands, but enough to slide them inside and curve around his ribs and ghost over his abdomen. She felt him shiver under her touch and the beat of his heart speed up.

His fingers passed lightly up her spine raising a ripple of gooseflesh in their wake before settling against her shoulder blade, pulling her upper body even closer, against his thrumming heart and his ravishing lips. His other hand had taken residence against the small of her back, his fingers straying in whisps along the swell and crease of her buttocks. She shuddered and etched closer pushing his pants down until she could slide her hands over the slope of his belly and the jut of his hip bone down to the swell of his muscled thigh, revelling in the accessibility of his body to her.

She sighed and slid one hand back up his inner thigh. He spread his legs obligingly and she wrapped her fingers delicately around him, emitting a soft sound of delight at the feel of the smooth, hot skin.

Unable to stand her touch without losing his tentative grasp on his control, he pulled her to him and carried her over to the table, setting her down on the cool glass surface. She was perfectly aligned with him and he could feel her heat press against him through their uniform slacks.

He felt her hand against his belly again and suddenly felt the need to make sure that she knew exactly where they were headed and that she was sure she wanted this. He would never forgive himself for taking advantage of her when she felt vulnerable and he was determined to give her every chance to change her mind.

“Are you sure?” He grabbed her shoulders and leaned back to have a full view of her face.

Kathryn looked at Chakotay for a few moments and then instead of answering grabbed the hem of her undershirt and pulled it over her head. Chakotay took it from her hands, but when she leaned forward and tried to press her lips back against his, he stopped her.

“I need you to say it,” he insisted.

“I am,” she breathed, not even trying to hide the waiver in her voice. “I want this. I want you.”

“I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

“You’re not,” she assured him running her hands along his arms, feeling his muscles ripple under her palms. “But maybe I’m using you.”

“You can use me anytime if that is what you need to stay sane.”

“It would make me feel infinitely better if you would take advantage of me now.”

She had tried to keep her feelings in check, to keep them safely ensconced in the lines she had carefully drawn for herself. But more often than not she found them spilling, leaking over the edges and leaving smudges of hope on him. She had tried damage control, of course. Had tried to erase her marks on him, but in doing so had only made things worse, spread that unintentional stain of hope and made it bigger, unignorable. Accidentally, again and again, she had prolonged his torment. Had given him hope where and when she ought not to.

And now she found that his torment was what might just save her. For it had kept him here with her. Had made him stay by her side and support her and keep her spirit and her sanity intact. She was his ruin, but at least they would go down together.

She felt the urge to apologize. But he had told her to be selfish and what good would it do now anyway, when it was too late to keep him safe from her? She felt arousal radiating from him, the grip of his fingers around her upper arms barely containing what he felt for her, and in the end, when all was said and done, she couldn’t deny that she felt the same for him.

He could see it in her face and hear it in her voice and feel it in the tremble of her body. She believed she was going to die. And he wanted to tell her she wouldn’t. He wanted to tell her that she would get them through this. But he couldn’t lie to her. Not now. Not when their future suddenly seemed so certain that it wouldn’t matter what they did in the present.

Kathryn could feel their impending doom, felt it with the same intensity with which she had always felt their impending success. And he had to swallow hard because suddenly he knew it too. And for all they knew, these might be their last moments together.

He halted his movements when her eyes roamed his face. There was a fleeting moment of something else besides resolve. But as suddenly as it had appeared, it gave way to a pure expression of burning desire as she fixed her eyes steadily on his.

They undressed each other in silence, hands roaming overheated skin, their eyes feasting on every inch of naked skin as they peeled off the layers of their command. When they were finally, gloriously naked, Kathryn grasped his upper arms and inched closer to the edge of the table, pressing against him as his hand released her buttock and moved to align himself with her center.

“Wait,” she urged him, the grasp of her hands on his arms loosening.

Thinking she had changed her mind, he immediately let go, allowing her to lean away from him. “Kathryn?”

“I need…” she started, pausing to control her breathing and lean back on one of her arms. “I need to see.”

She tightened the leg that was wrapped around his hip, urging him back towards her. He understood and was helpless to suppress the groan that escaped him at the pure eroticism. He grabbed his manhood and dragged it through her folds. At her corresponding moan, his eyes jumped to her face, amazed when he found her gaze fixed between them, watching his every movement against her. Her tongue came out to wet her lips as he made another pass and when he lightly grazed her clit with the head of his cock, her mouth opened in a soundless moan. For a moment he was torn between looking down between them and observing every miniscule expression on her face, but when he testingly dipped his head into her wetness and Kathryn scrunched up her nose in concentration, the decision was made for him.

He slowly slid into her and the sight of Kathryn giving herself over to her passion without restriction was even better than the feeling of her heat surrounding him.

Kathryn leaned back slightly to watch him press his manhood into her for the first time. Her eyes were glued to their joining as she felt her tissues stretch around him. She felt overwhelmed, flooded with conflicting emotions and sensations. The wide gap between her own desperation and the security in his embrace, the warm softness of his thighs pressing against hers and the cold, hard surface of the table, the delicious pressure inside her and the fast thrum of her own heart.

Unable to stand being still, she rotated her pelvis against him and realized that the surface was so hard that the pressure against her tailbone became painful. She reached for anything that looked soft enough to serve as a cushion and reached for the nearest article of clothing she could see.

Chakotay was faster and grabbed what he quickly realized was his uniform jacket for her. He folded it and encouraged her to lift up so he could place it under her. The movement caused both of them to gasp as he slid deeper into her and her clit grazed against his dark curls.

Putting one hand against the small of her back, the other under her thigh, Chakotay held her open and close to him as he pulled out and pushed back in. He watched her face as he repeated the same movement a few time, slightly adjusting the angle until her eyes rolled back in pleasure and she emitted a soft whimper. She tightened around him and he sped up his thrusts, careful to maintain the correct angle.

It didn’t take long for both of them to begin to pant open-mouthed, eyes glued to each other’s, straining for heir release. Kathryn leaned back on one arm and moved her free hand between them moving her fingers in broad circles around her clit. She whimpered with every stroke, her own fingers pressing against her bundle of nerves every time he thrust against that sweet spot inside her. Her pleasure ratcheted up quickly and her mewls and whimpers turned into moans as she started to buck rather than push against him, control over her own body dwindling fast. Her climax was upon her before she had time to prepare herself. She came with a low keening cry, falling back against the surface as her back strained, pushing her pelvis into him.

Chakotay slowed his movements as he watched her body grow taut with orgasm. Her thighs trembled and jerked against his sides and he grabbed her hips to keep her in place while she rode out wave after wave. When she finally quieted and opened her eyes to look at him, he leaned over and gathered her upper body against him, pressing his lips against hers in a searing kiss.

Kathryn realized that Chakotay was still throbbing inside her and winding her arms around his neck and locking her legs behind his back encouraged him to seek his own pleasure. When she wriggled against him and Chakotay crushed her lower body against him, she thought he might try to fuse them together. Squeezed together so tightly, she felt his thrusts even more intensely and her aftershocks turned into surging waves of another oncoming orgasm. She wound her arms under his and grabbed his shoulders, clinging to him as he relentlessly strained towards his own release, sweeping her with him in the process. She pressed her face into the crook of his neck as she felt him falter and the warm rush of his release caused a smaller wave of tremors in her lower body.

With her feet wound around his legs she drew close to him, relishing in the feeling of his skin against hers, listening to the slow calming of his heartbeat before they would have to go out there and leave this impromptu safe heaven they had just created for themselves. An illusion, she knew, but a nice one nevertheless.

Kathryn squeezed even closer to him at the thought of leaving her quarters, of separating from him and putting on her strong façade. She nestled her forehead into his skin as she tried to calm her breathing, to get the feeling of tightness to lift from her chest. She didn’t seem to be able to get enough air into her lungs so she took quick, shallow breaths, fighting against the dizziness and the tingling in her hands and feet. The walls were closing in around her and for some reason she felt like clinging to Chakotay may prevent her from being crushed.

She knew with a deadly certainty that this ship and this quadrant had taken more than she gave them. And she needed to hold on to Chakotay lest she might lose him as well. Chakotay and fear and crushing responsibility - the only three constants she had left. Her blood ran cold at the thought of this damned quadrant taking him and she felt like she couldn’t get close enough to ensure that that wouldn’t happen.

 

 

He cradled her close to his body, her arms clinging to him, and waited for her staccato breathing to calm down.

And waited.

And waited.

When too many minutes had passed to be acceptable, he pulled back, grabbed her shoulders and held her away from him to scrutinize her. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, her breathing coming in short gasps, too short, too fast.

“Kathryn?” He gave her shoulders a gentle shake to get her to look at him. “Kathryn, what’s wrong?”

He grew worried when her eyes settled on his face, but her forehead furrowed in a frown and her accelerated breathing stayed the same.

“I think…” she gasped, having trouble getting enough air to speak. One of her hands came up to clap her chest. “I think...panic...attack…”

Kathryn looked at him frantically and with, what he now understood, panic in her eyes.

“Okay,” he nodded, one hand grabbing hers at her chest his thumbs running back and forth over her tight fist. “Okay.”

He repeated it like a mantra as he pulled her back against him, her forehead cradled against his neck while she sucked in gulping heaps of his smell. His breath swirled against her ear, his heartbeat thrummed in her head and the way he held her she had no other choice but to follow his rhythm.

Her other hand clutched his back as if her life depended on it and it seemed ages before her lungs finally obeyed and settled on his gentle rhythm, delivering oxygen to her body and frantic mind. She concentrated on the gentle back and forth of his thumb over her knuckles and slowly and without even realising it she calmed down and slowly loosened her fist. But even when she was reasonably calm, she refused to leave the sanctuary of his embrace, letting the gentle sway lull her into a fake sense of security for a little while longer.

“The ship and the crew,” Chakotay started but then stopped himself, realizing that reminding her that they needed her probably was exactly what she did not need.

“This ship and this crew,” she took over for him, knowing perfectly well what he had intended to say, “this whole damned quadrant have taken more than I gave them.” She tried not to be bitter, but in the face of it being all in vain, she couldn’t help it. And she didn’t exactly like herself for that.

“I’ve got you.” He tried to sound convincing as if it made a difference. But he knew he as well had taken more from her than she had been able to give. Not by choice and he couldn’t have prevented her self-sacrificing if he tried. It was her nature, her prerogative and it would be her downfall that she constantly gave her all for the people she had sworn to protect, for the people she cared for. And when all wasn’t enough she gave more.

“I’m scared,” she finally admitted, as if that wasn’t obvious to him.

“We’ll get through this,” he gave her a promise he couldn’t possibly hold. But even if the end of this was certain death, they would get through it together.

“What if we don’t?”

“Then we’ll face it together.”

“‘Til death?” She looked up at him, her face in a skewed grin, not quite feeling the humour.

“Do us part.” He lifted her chin and captured her lips in a gentle kiss before cradling her back into his arms again, holding her safe and secure before they had to go out and face another thundering storm against time.

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to drop any and all criticism on me.  
> For months I felt unable to post this as it felt uninspired, half-hearted and just not ready for the public eye. But I realized I might never post it if I don't do it soon.
> 
> So here's the product of months of uncertainty and me being ready to toss it all. Enjoy!
> 
> PS: I honestly think the best thing about this chapter is the title...so, make sure you don't miss it!


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